The Anxiety of Adulting

whateverlolawants
Aug 30, 2020
5 min read

For most people, practicing individual responsibility happens between 18 to 25 years old, generally post-grad high school or college. And even before the tassel is turned at graduation, most of us are already experiencing the anxiety of adulting. 😰

In a nutshell, the anxiety of adulting is just constantly asking ourselves, “How do I be a good adult?” This anxiety refers to mental and emotional fears of developing certain behaviors to be labeled as a responsible adult. These characters and behaviors usually include functional tasks for survival like getting a full-time job, budgeting money, making your own doctor appointments, renting an apartment, paying bills, and filing taxes. (Booooring. 🙄) Unfortunately, these really important tasks aren’t taught in schools--which leave us feeling like we really don’t know much at all, even after years of attending classes. Thankfully, there’s ways to cope with the anxiety of adulting, and here’s what’s worked for me.

What is adulting?

noun: adulting - /əˈdəltiNG,ˈaˌdəltiNG/

the practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks.

I reflect on 16-year-old me who “couldn’t wait to be grown” and laugh. As teens, most of us were equating adulting with physical, sexual, creative, and financial freedom. Nothing says, “I’m an adult” more than feeling like we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, with whoever we want. However, that freedom comes with making decisions, taking responsibility, and accepting the consequences.

I believe that the real definition of adulting is being able to take responsibility and understand the consequences of our life decisions. As adults, we have to make LOTS of choices about our career, finances, social life, family life, romantic life, spirituality and personal fulfillment. (Overwhelmed, yet?) A few examples of things we must decide in our adult lives include:

How do I mentally, emotionally, and financially prepare myself for a practical and enjoyable life?
What do I need to feel fulfilled, and how do I obtain it?
What is my definition of success?
What is my passion or purpose?
What are my moral beliefs and values?
Where and how do I want to live?
What type of career do I want?
Is the career that I’ve chosen going to provide financial stability and personal fulfillment?
What activities or interactions make me feel satisfied?
When, how, and with whom do I want to start a family of my own?

Why does adulting feel so scary?

It’s something we’ve never done before. From birth, many of our decisions have been made for us, like what to wear, what to eat, what language to speak, and what religion to follow. Some of us have had to “adult” earlier than others, based on life circumstances like losing parents, having less than responsible parents, or having parents that pushed us to grow up fast. But no matter when we’ve had to start making adult decisions, it’s always scary at first because it’s new to us.

We’re afraid of failure. Let’s face it. We’re all afraid to fail, because we’re afraid of being embarrassed or ridiculed. The anxiety of adulting is often rooted in self-doubt towards our abilities to function as a “real” or “good” adult, based on our standards and definitions of what that is. This self-doubt often takes the form of questions like “What if I’m not qualified enough?” or “What if I really don’t know how to take care of myself?” We often create feelings of anxiety rooted in fear of failing at being adults. And if you didn’t know, the fear of failure is very real, and very common. It’s called "atychiphobia", look it up.

We’re susceptible to societal pressure. Both our parents and our peers have influenced what we believe “real” or “good” adults should do. This is why we often aspire for climbing the corporate ladder, getting married, buying a home, and retiring with a 401(k). As naturally competitive creatures, we want to feel like we’re keeping up with or surpassing our peers, which creates a lot of pressure to “adult” better than those we know or see on social media. And when we spend hours every day scrolling and comparing ourselves on IG and Facebook, it can be quite overwhelming.

Decision-making is hard. Some of us overthink the outcomes of our decisions (definitely me 🙋🏽‍♀️) and others try to avoid decision-making altogether. Because we spend the majority of our adolescent lives being taught and corrected on our behaviors, we’ve naturally been instilled with the fear of independent decision-making. We’re often worried about making the right or wrong decision. So, the anxiety of adulting is more or less just the anxiety of confidently making subjectively “good” decisions on our own and accepting the consequences of them.

How do I cope with the anxiety of adulting?

Give yourself grace. God gives us grace every day, as he forgives us for our ignorance, sins, and flaws. Accept grace and give yourself a transition period to adjust to your new normal by practicing self-compassion, and being prepared to forgive yourself if you do fail. Accepting grace helps combat the anxiety of adulting by providing emotional comfort.

Have a plan. Honestly, planning is my advice for everything in life. But a good way to overcome anxiety associated with the fear of failure is to set and achieve goals. While setting goals and making plans doesn’t guarantee success or completely eliminate failure, it may make you feel more prepared and confident in your ability to adult. If you’re a planner-loving goal-getter like me, you may enjoy this awesome workbook, You Goal Girl.

Adult your own way. Learn how to make decisions that are not influenced by family, friends, or society. (Easier said than done, I know. 😅) Take some solo time for your goal planning session to reflect on your own definitions of a successful adult. As you put your plan into action, it’s definitely okay (and necessary) to surround yourself with positive people who can encourage, inspire and keep you accountable, but don’t let others completely influence your goals or decisions. You’ll have a lot less anxiety knowing that you’re living your best life for YOU.

Have faith in your decisions. Making decisions will never be easy, but you may find comfort in having faith that every decision will result in a blessing or a lesson (essentially a win-win). If you find yourself anxious about a big decision you have to make, recite the serenity prayer, and accept that the consequences of your decisions are sometimes beyond your control (and that’s okay). You can also get comfortable with accepting the unknown and find peace in the Art of Uncertainty (which is also one of my favorite books).

Avoid cognitive dissonance. Sometimes we feel like we’re the only ones who’ve ever experienced the anxiety of adulting, but it’s definitely not true. While it may be easy to tell ourselves that nobody else can understand the pressure we feel, it’s more comforting to know that we’re not alone. Ease anxiety by remembering that your peers are experiencing the same feelings and fears, and there’s mentors who have previously experienced, overcame, and can share their knowledge (which I have hopefully been able to do for you.)

Talk to a professional. Even though anxiety is the body’s natural response to stress, it also has physical effects. Sometimes the anxiety of adulting can feel almost debilitating and requires professional, external help. Seek for some 1-on-1 time with your guidance counselor, campus psychologist, or family therapist. These licensed individuals can help us understand the root of our anxiety and prescribe solutions to help.

Accept it. Listen, there's no turning back. You can't crawl back into the womb. You'll feel a lot better once you realize and accept that adulting is inevitable, but not impossible. The anxiety of adulting is a common fear, but not impossible to cope with. Remember, adulting is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. So breathe, accept this new phase in your life, and enjoy that you're a real adult now!